you probably fell in love without knowing who he really is.

but does that really matter?
especially now?
when you're so far gone.

when you're sinking so deeply.

I DONT FEEL LIKE GOING TO CHURCH FOR CHRISTMAS!

and nicky wished me happy birthday on friendster.
8 days early.

so did ian.

dumbfucks.

my feelings are made out of real things.

so dont go saying that i'm not true.
because you dont know what you're talking about.
you simply refuse to see that you're not part of the picture.

i want to do a portfolio.
for all my pictures.
just to show how good i can be.


alot of things are simply not meant to be said.

ben's being more and more a pain in the ass these days.
maybe its because the infatuation is getting lesser.

i'd want to say thank you to him.
who helped me feel better about everything.

marcus is lame.
thats for sure
and he has ugly handwriting.

ATTENTION PEOPLE!
sentosa on tuesday.
please meet at 930 at harbourfront.
and confirm who is going okay?
girls, please spread the word around.
and then let me know who's going.

i'm a happy girl.
and i need to keep my head up.
because she keeps picking on every single thing.
and she's cutting at my nerves bundles by bundles.
so i think i can't do this.
i'm going to shift out of that house as soon as i can.
and never come back.
because she doesnt deserve me having to put up with all of her rubbish.

thank you love.
for keeping me calm.

i hate clams.

dont ask who he is because i'm not telling.
when i tell people, they want to be involved.
and it spoils everything.
i'm just keeping my lips sealed until i'm ready.

WELL WAKE UP MUMMY.
you're not a child anymore.
you arent young anymore.
you can't jsut change your job as and when you like.
simply because you have responsibilities.
and you cant push them all to me suddenly because you suddenly got sick of the job.
time to grow up.

i though age made you more mature.
but it seems that i'm wrong.
you're so in love with yourself that you can't see that other people have their responsibilities.

responsibility.
it seems that according to some people.
its something lacking in me.
but its just labels.
its not that i care anyway.
simply because i'm going to leave soon.
and maybe never going back there.
its just never the same anymore.

so i had a spat with my mother yesterday. simply because she wouldnt let me work where i wanna work.
now that im finally going to be legal in like, almost a week's time.
i can do what i want right?
it seems not.

i hope that i get a present from jason!
i so wouldnt mind a present from him.
like if i get to spend a whole night with him or something.
can i?

QUIZ TIME!

1. Are you smiling?
- not really.

2. Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a J?
- nope.

3. What's irritating you right now?
- class. and certain people.

4. When did you last eat pizza?
- i have no idea.

5. When was the last time you ate ice cream?
- today! Ben and Jerry!

6. Do you have any friends who are famous?
- how about jason?

7. Are you any good at poker?
- i dont even know how to play poker!

8. What do you want?
- to work in a bar.

9. Are you tired?
- sleepy more than tired.

10. Do you like anyone?
- yeah. him.

11. Coke or pepsi?
- neither.

12.Do you ever throw up?
- i love to throw up.

13. Beer or water?
- vodka.

14. Staying home & reading or going out & seeing a movie?
- at home and sleeping!

15. Taco Bell or McDonald's?
- neither?

16 .Last thing you said?
- EH?

17 . What are you wearing?
- my green t-shirt. my denim skirt. my stars and rainbow shoes.

18. How many Abercrombie shirts do you
own?
- 0.

19 .How many Myspace views do you
have?
- 200 plus. pathetic, i know.

21.Do you believe dreams come true?
- i do. because mine came true.

22. Do you like reunion concert tours?
- eh, depending?

24.Who is in the room with you?
- all my classmates.

25. What are you wearing on your feet?
- my stars and rainbows pumps.

26 . What's your favorite pair of shoes?
- my converse!

27. Who was the last person that told you they loved you?
- he said it ever so subtlety.

28. What was the last thing you ate?
- lunch.

2 9. What were you doing before this?
- having lunch.

30. What is the closest item near you that is black?
- my laptop.

31 . What was the last text message you received?
- from my dunfu friend.

32 . What did you do last night?
- on the phone with him.

33 . What do you wear more, jeans or sweatpants?
- i have 4 pairs of jeans, go figure.

34 what is the last movie you watched?
- the notebook.

35. Last movie you saw at the cinema?
- balls of fury. with mummy.

36. Ever date anybody from myspace?
- nope.

37.Ever been to QuizPox.com?
- nope.

38 .Where are your parents?
- mummy's at work. daddy's in heaven.

39 .Where did you get the pants you're wearing?
- i'm not wearing pants.

41.Where was your default picture taken?
- from deviantart.

42.Why did you pick your background?
- because it reminds me of him.

43.Who are you currently texting?
- nobody?

44.Are you happy with where you are?
- i guess?

45.Is cheating ever okay?
- NEVER.

46 . Would you ever take someone back if they cheated on you?
- i did. but now i know better.

47 .Are you happy with yourself?
- i better be.

48. How old will you be this time next year?
- 18 going on 19. cause of the birthday.

49. Do you want someone you can't have?
- i already have who i want. so its okay.

50. Who makes you smile the most?
- HIM.


i really am a happy girl. thats what i've noticed.
and its all because of him.

nesha sabotaged my conversation.
but i think its quit obvious that it wasnt me who typed that.

the sleep i had last night was good.
too good until i was so scared that i couldnt wake up.
then i ended up waking up like.
twenty times.

if i put my heart fully in your hands.
will you take care of it?

it seems funny.
how i met you on the train.
how you kept throwing glances at me to confirm if it was really me.
and how i recognized you right away.

and how you followed me all the way.
how you held my hand.
how you made me laugh until my sides hurt.
you sent me to the door step.

and with a kiss on the lips, you said.
i'll see you in my dreams tonight.

i love you.

some how i think that fridays are not a dread.
i find me forcing myself to go to school on friday.
maybe its because its something i understand in school.
or maybe its the class as a whole.

i dont know how i feel about school anymore.
i find it incredibly small.

i'm happy.
i really am.
cause late night chats just lets me know you a little better.

nesha kept saying that it must be love.
the way i blushed.
and scampered away when i saw him.
i thought so too.
a long time ago.
now i'm not so sure.

let today be the start.
its the end of him.
but the beginning of something else.

god.
please be by my side.

so i tell myself that i would go to school today.
but in the end, i left mirror boy alone somehow.

but its alright.
i spent an hour talking to jason pereira online.
which really cracked me up.
and go check out his lastest entry.
you really cant believe how some people are like.
even if they're only 17 and flashing all over friendster.


remind me again why i love sarcasm?

dear all.
lets meet someone who is old and yet new.

lets meet jace.

I HEART YOU.

hey heart, have you seen him today?
because i know you miss him like crazy.

i dont know why i went to pick a fight when i didnt need it.
i'm personally addicted to mirrorboy's camera.
so addicted that he's going to bring it to school everyday.
and i forgot to bring my XD card which has wayyyyy bigger memory than his card does.

oh, one more thing.
HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY JOHANN!


i felt that i dont know alot of people anymore.
somehow it has all drifted away.
sometimes i dont know who i am and what i'm doing.
or trying to do.

is my heart still with me?
or you took it away?
cause i thought i had you by my side last night.

i got bored so i joined facebook.
and i still dont know how to use it though.


lets say i took a picture of you.
a standstill of a moment.
promise that you wont steal the picture from me.
because thats all i have.

is it so impossible?
i'm not looking for much.
i dont even have expectations.
at least i dont think i have.
just needed someone.
anyone.
to take my breath away.

as i wait and wait. this letter grows longer with empty words.
the irony, that you're everything i want. but nothing i need.
i know its superficial because i cannot go deeper than that.
i'm not allowed to dig deeper.
you never let me in to know who you really are.
even as i try, i get pushed further away.

all this, not about ben.
really.

you're someone i make believe.
not real.
not at all.
but some how it feels like it.

EDIT;
I <3 JAP GUYS THAT WE ALL SCREAM AND DROOL OVER.

i dont know why i do what i do.

but i need to keep myself around positive things.

THEY TELL ME THAT YOU FEEL WHAT I DO.













i've been taking so many pictures that its not even funny.
i just kept clicking on the button.
and look at what awesome pictures that i came up with.




she's my dream model.
i dont know why.
but she can turn so many guys on with just one line.
i guess we all know which line.









nesha's talking to ginger again.
caught on camera!


its been photoshopped to make her body look this good.
serious.


hot right?


mr owner of the camera at his best.







i think i was too trigger happy.
and it just makes me want a camera.
one that is much better than what mirrorboy has.
dont ask me why so many of them were in black and white.
simply because the camera was in that mode and i dont know how to switch it back until mirroyboy decided to help me.


your relationship is a joke.
and i dont know why you still keep trying.

well, all those taking their O levels this year.
i think it started already right?
ALL THE BEST PEOPLE.
you have my prayers and my love.
although some were playing cards until late last night.

work has definitely become a dread.
especially with an idiot like him.
TRANSFER PLEASE!
i dont know.

i want shanie to smile and be happy.
i dont like it when she is all sad.

i dreamt of you.
and i was hoping that it would become a reality.
but you're just a figment of my imagination.
you'll never be there.
never.

class is seriously a dread.
maybe thats why half the class left.

i have no idea why i stayed on.

botak jones on saturday was good.
so was the company that i've missed for so long.

i saw him this morning and my heart skipped a beat.
literally.

professional profiling is ALMOST done.
hope i get it done on time.

LIFE IS A DANCEFLOOR.

try guessing what i found last night.
the encyclopedia of sex practice.

and it was my fathers?
i think when i go to heaven, i'm going to see all my older siblings.
and varien as well.
but thats besides the point.
the point is, WHY THE HECK DOES MY MOTHER STILL KEEP IT?
i mean, the book is all torn and tattered and the pages are all yellow and they break.
so why does my mother still keep it?
i dont know.

i got no papaya milk today.
because the woman selling it says that the papayas went on strike.
HOW CAN PAPAYAS GO ON STRIKE?
its just not fair.

i still have sean's ugly looking belt in my house.
he doesnt let me throw it away because its branded.
says he.
is U2 even branded?
its practically extinct.


i think all the papaya milk is causing some really raging hormones.
and i dont like it.
but papaya milk is kinda addictive you know?

somehow the class likes to go to the carpark now.
i dont know why.
maybe its because of eye candy?

i feel pretty.
oh so pretty.
i feel pretty and witty and GAY!

i'm going to buy dresses!
i dont know where to buy them from though.
but i know i'm going to wear pretty dresses and wear them with shanie!
i'm feeling all girly suddenly.

holidays are coming in two weeks!
but i have to rush my professional profiling first.
and the poster as well.
i have to finish it by then.
i really have to rush.

cell biology is killing all of us.
test later.
today is going to be one hectic week.
like trying my best to complete my PP by the end of the week an stuff like that.

wish me luck people.

i dont know why i can't type properly.
my fingers get tired really easily.

i'm moving on from you.
you dont exist to me anymore.

and then there is you.

is changing a good thing?
i wouldnt know now would i?

hopefully saturday will be a good one.
because i'll be meeting my girls.

i dont know why i keep imagining you there?

COULD YOU TEAR IT OPEN?

i'm laughing like crazy and doing things like dancing and jumping around RP.
as well as singing way off key.
all this simply because i'm high.
and i'm high simple because i'm emotionally unstable.
i guess she was right.
i really am emotionally unstable.
but that's besides the point.

i'm stuffing my face with food and all goes to my already chubby waist.
kaira id going to kill me because i havent exercised and i'm having chocolate all over me.
people, please dont think weirdly.

i've missed out on my papaya milk today.
so i wont have big tits like picture featured on jason pereira's blog.
i'll give you the link later.
i swear that it really cracked me up and i wouldn't mind meeting him in person.

i got my star/rainbow shoes on monday!
it made me a happy girl until i got blisters.
maybe its a little too small for me.
i'm not really sure though.
but i love it.
its giving my kinda dull life some colour.

so please dont judge my friends as and when you want.
i know that you have people to back you up because they are siblings and sibling's boyfriends and what not.
but that does not give you a right.
to let anything shoot out of your mouth.
you started this mess and you got hurt by it, it makes it your fault not theirs.
so grow a fucking backbone and stand up for yourself instead of hiding behind people's backs and crying over milk that you spilled on purpose.

i love my girlfriends.
nick and mirrorboy included.
they really do make school worth going to.
somehow it makes me like school more than i know.
somehow it makes me feel like family.

its just going to be another open letter to you.

EDIT;
i forgot to put the link for jason's blog.
gosh. i make it as though he's my close friend.
CLICK HERE.
and and and...
website for my shoes.
SUCHARESHOES.

i'm going to get my tattoo.
i dont think i'm going to town to get mine.
i'm going to follow mummy jo's advice and go to the same tattoo artist as her.
SAM! if you here this.
you're going to follow me right?

22 more days!

i dont know why i did it. but i did.
i deleted all his messages.

class started with a high today.
i didn't know that FMT had this kind of effect


am i still in love?

jeng jeng jeng!

sorry.
but the sky just seems so blueeeee today.

or maybe i'm just high.
because i'm about to get my happy pill.

EDIT.

i am really really sorry sherilyn!
I STILL LOVE YOU ANYWAY!


i asked you to go for it because i dont want you to regret it. it doesnt matter if you come it last. but leave with your head held high and know that you've done what you could. you trained so that you can win. and i pray for you. that you will win. and just so you know. i'll be proud of you. more than you know.

i dont want a relationship because its so complicated.
i got sick of having my heart broken or waiting for someone who will never be mine.

friends with benefits are the new relationships now.
says me.

he looks gay when he smiles.
i prefer a brooding him.


do i look like a jack ass to you?

I LOST MY PLACE.

my resignation was not approved.
but i swear that if that episode on saturday happens again.
no matter what use i have or what responsibilities i have.
i'm going to turn my back on them and just walk away and return my uniform the next day.
because its not worth it.
not worth my agitation.
not worth my anger.
not worth my tears.
YOU'RE NOT WORTH ANYTHING.

because unlike us. you dont have to work your way up.
you come in here wearing you black shirt and start bossing people around.
whereas people like us have to endure you shit that we have to clean up.
you dont get your respect just by shouting a people or throwing your tantrums all over the place.
you have a responsibility and a example to set.
i don't get my respect the way you did.
i work my ass off for it.
i cried because of it and i work endlessly to be where i am.
i didn't waltz in there and other people's respect just falls on me.
i fucking earned it.
so its time that you start being who you're supposed to be and doing it right.
its either you work with us or against us.
and if you choose to work against us, Lord better save your soul because you'll find yourself working with no one.
you dont have a good reputation.
so don't make us taint it any further.
step up your fucking game and be a manager, run your fucking shift instead of your baristas.
step up and perform before you wont have a chance to anymore.

i don't wish to talk about a shitty weekend.
one that made me so upset.
and one that left me supper-less.

shanie and sherilyn are going to die.
serious.

i have birthdays to talk about.


happy birthday desmond!
belated anyway.
and i'm sorry i forgot.
but i hope that youwill become a world famous chef one day and get married to a superstar!
much love.


and happy birthday sean.
the message in the morning was Claire's fault.

and moses. happy birthday to you too!

so i had a really weird dream last night. about Ben. and somehow it was so vivid. he was wearing a black singlet. i dont know why. but you can see his muscles. and he does have alot of muscles. and jeans. and this black Crumpler bag. and RP had a blackout. and i was trying to find my way into class. and out of no where. he was behind me. he held my hand and i think i melted in my dream. and when we were in the lift. i was so close to him that i could smell him. dont ask me why the lift was working during the blackout. but it was.
even during that short period of time. i could hear my heart beating. really loudly. he walked me to my class and gave me a kiss on my cheek. and i became a puddle of water on the floor. and then i woke up.
the best dream i ever had. of ben i mean.

then waking up made me realise that all this cannot come true.

hafiz made me irritated. he's got alot of answering to do.

audrey says that fats are the new hot.

so i completely embarrassed myself today. because mirrorboy was blocking my view. i dont know. it just felt like someone was missing from class. i kept looking around looking for who was missing. and then i thought the johann was missing. so i saw him online and asked him where he was because the test was starting really soon. only to hear his voice calling me retarded. i dont usually blush. but i felt my face turn red. maybe my face just heated up and i didnt turn red. i dont know. it got worse when farhan decided to laugh at me too. lord knows how much both of them like to make me feel stupid. and they really do make me feel stupid. especially farhan.

so i got my period. and i ate pineapple. so overflow overload. so i stained my jeans. joy.

shanie says that giving up would be better.
because one more try just wont work sometimes.

take me away from that empty apartment.
you stay, and forget where the heart is.
someday, if ever you loved me you'd say.
its okay.

i'm happy talking to myself actually.

better than talking rubbish and no one's listening to you.

nesha is always needed for talks about him.
always.

the first song that mirrorboy played for the class made me almost want to cry.
covering my ears and distracting myself.
forcing myself not to hear the words.

lets pray that nesha comes to school today.

i wanted to talk about happy things now. but i have to rant first. about this girl who actually had a MULTITUDE of bells hanging from her handphone pouch. and the worse this is. she was playing with them like nobody's business la! OMG!

i saw mr danieleeeee today. he grew taller. i think he has got a late puberty thats why he grew like, only now. he looks better. and i think he cooks better. and his slang. OMG. if i didnt see his face. i would have fallen in love with him.

sebestian called me yesterday! i'm so touched that he thought of me when he got his half month manager's pay. i really am. and we'll have a sushi treat. and a date together. dont worry. soon, i'll get a nice phone with a nice camera and i can take many pictures for you to see on friendster!

i'm still happy from yesterday. because of what kaira did. she'll make a damn good girlfriend i must say. whoever is going to be with her. is going to be damn happy. lets just hope that its not tina lim.

sherilyn can just stop laughing at my spelling errors.

i was sitting on the train and thinking that i night me able to see a glimpse of him today. but no. simply because he doesnt have school today. and somehow that makes me happy. maybe its because i dont have to be reminded of what is not meant to be mine.

i have to stay on my diet. i have to keep exercising. i need to drink papaya milk! to make my boobies bigger.
but dunfu is tempting me with ice cream.

i need to see amanda soon.
and audrey too.
simply because i miss them.

a couple of birthdays from the Iseral family is coming soon and i dont know what to do.

forgive me.
too beautiful and too broken.
for my love, its the deadliest combination.

i love kaira!
simply because she bought me a really cute pooh bear soft toy and it really caught me off guard.
i love you! and i hope that she studies hard for her pappers that are coming soon! then we can go for PLAY together.

seeing him looking so good today. it keeps making me melt. and i dont know why. i really dont like the out come of this.

i'm stuck on my PP. i'm on my third point. three out of six and i dont know how to link or continue. i'm going to fail my PP. and i havent even hit a thousand words.

i hope that nesha won't be so pissed anymore. because it really doesnt suit her. i miss her kinky self. where she can simply turn me on with just a look. i miss our lesbian kisses. i miss your hugs. i just miss you as a whole.
i think we should all go out.
shanie! lets plan it alright?

i've been emotional lately. crying over nothing and everything. maybe its because the period is seriously not coming. thats why i'm so fat. all the blood stuck inside my uterus. if all the blood got discharged. i'm sure tat i'll be much lighter. i'm sure of it.

only an apple for breakfast. and i'm still full. gosh
lunch later must have alot of soup kind of thing.

fiona xie is downstairs.
i'll show you guys if i actually meet up with her.

bad day today.
and its only the start of the freaking day.

i found out the he was in the same train as i am. and all i saw was his back. with his signature nike sling bag and the nike shoe bag. his torn and tattered jeans. his shoulders.
he was with a girl. and constantly smiling and talking to her. oblivious that my heart was breaking.
men, all so stupid when it comes to feeling.
i'm just being bitchy. forgive me.

my legs are feeling so weak that it was not even funny. but i felt that i did a good job. i thought the weighing machine was deceiving me. but no. i lost one kg. that was until i ate choc fudge cake. it spoiled everything.
BUT. the fudge cake was heaven.

a realisation hit me. that what he said was true. i guess its a gift the he has.

he said that;
"you take very badly to critcism. go ahead and deny.
you take what people say to heart
you might act like it doesnt affect you
but like when you go home
or when you are alone
you will think
and ask yourself
"is it really true ?"
then
i think you are a pack dweller
you are confident when you are with your friends
but you lose this once you are alone and you tend to become pretty much withdrawn, that is until friends come again
so like 90% of the time you would be with friends
its just that now you're kinda in denial so you'll say no."
we'll be having this conversation soon. but i think his observations are right. but i can handle being alone. i think.

i followed you all the way. i thought that i could have gone into the same lift as him. but he went into the lab instead. which made me think that we're totally not fated.

i went for a run. and did jumping jacks. and skipped roped until my boobs hurt. and bench presses.
and i think i lost one kg.
that should be a good thing now.
so if i do this for a week, i'll lose 7 kg?

i saw him three times today.
is thursday my good luck day?
i hope so. then i'll come to school every thursday then

i saw him today! i melted and according to kaira, the rest had to scoop me up and carry me back to class.

angus makes me really want to kill him.
serious.

i cried last night on the phone because i gained like 3927619734663kg.
yes, i finally weighed myself on the weighing machine. and it wasnt a pretty scene i tell you.
so in a fit of panic, i called and message many people, and started crying. telling them that i was a certain amount of weight. and all the diet suggestions started pouring in.
kaira decided to be my trainer/coach. when she doesnt even go to the gym with me la!
but from now on, fruits and vegetables. and no sugar stuff. nothing fatty and oily. and drink alot of water. i'm going to be a health freak.

I HATE IT WHEN THE SHOW ENDS AND ITS A HAPPY ENDING CAUSE IT MAKES ME CRY. and i hate cliffhangers too. it just goes to show that there would be a part two. and it makes me happy because i get more eye candy!

i know i'm like emotionally unstable. and my cousin, she thinks that i'm always emo. which is not true. i have my happy times too you know? just that it is kinda rare.



this is exactly how i feel right now, about you.

18th birthday is one month and 5 days away. and i have a lists of thing i want to do when i turn 18.

• go get my tattoo.
• go for a Brazilian wax.
• eyebrow threading. (all seems painful so far)
• go buy a pack of cigarettes from 7-11 and when they ask for my IC, i'm legal!
• go buy alcohol from 7-11 and the same from above.
  
• i wont get drunk. (because i've already done it before i turned 18)
• go shopping and have a wardrobe makeover!
• get myself ten tubs of ben and jerry's ice cream.
• and after one year, i still want to go to the zoo on my birthday.
• go for a drastic makeover and i'll look completely different.
  
• maybe naval piercing?
• bra shopping! because i need them in different colours. i need a push up bra and a t-shirt bra and many many types of bras.
• and i can go for PLAY with kaira. which will be in december.
  

p.s; i dont have a fetish for pain. even though some of the things here include alot of pain.
i just want it to be a birthday to remember.

my mother has forced me to drink more papaya milk so as to enlarge my breasts. cause according to her, i only got one more month to grow. one more month until my puberty ends.

looking at dogs just remind me of how much a want one.

did i mention?
i'm in love.

with the most unexpected person there is.

i need a dream to wake me up.
because now i know paradise.

i dont know how to go about this. maybe by making myself numb would be better.
but i'm already numb.

so i didnt go to school today. and my mum is kinda pissed off at me. but who cares. i'm off to school tomorrow.

a sweet dream of you reminded me of exactly why i fell in love with you.
but reality reminded me of why i couldnt.

i was supposed to go swimming yesterday only to find out that the pool was closed for renovation! and to think that i could have done some exercise to get rid of the horrible fats i've been carrying around! can some one please tell me just how to lose all those fats?

having chammomile tea in the night was supposed to help me sleep. but in the end it kept me awake and made me puke.